Don't let you fool by all the christmas greetings! There is work to be done, and to get it done faster it is always a good idea to demotivate people. So here are some tricks to get you going.
- Don't tell people what you want. Tell them how to do it. After all you hired experts so you can more easily frustrate them. Of course they know how to do it better than you, but that doesn't mean they should be allowed to do it their way.
- Always remember: There is no perfect solution. This means if you haven't found the mistake in the work of somebody else you just haven't looked hard enough. Just don't make the mistake of praising somebody. If you really have to praise somebody ...
- Praise them for something trivial, preferable something they haven't done anything about. E.g. if somebody wrote a program for you praise them for the choice of font of the console output.
- If you can't find the mistake in somebodies work, just make up a new requirement and complain about it missing ...
- Or even better change the requirements and tell them they made it all wrong.
- If somebody presents an idea to you, call it stupid.
- preferable before they said more then 3 words.
- If somebody asks you a open questions (those that can't reasonably be answered with yes or no) answer with Yes or No. Make sure to walk away before they can react on that.
- Talk about people in the third person, preferable while they are standing right next to you
- When you make a mistake blame them.
- If they made something really outstanding and awesome, praise somebody else. Ideally a person that was a major roadblock on the effort.
- If you have to give a reward or present to someone choose something he or she can not possibly use, or at least something generic like a gift certificate. A perfect example would be a gift certificate from a tanning salon for somebody with a strong sun poisoning.
If you've already been nice to people this christmas, don't despair, you can change that immediately. Being nasty actually works especially well when comming unsuspected.
Merry Christmas to everybody
Wan't to meet me in person to tell me how stupid I am? You can find me at the following events: