Possibly the Most Important Skill for Managers, Coaches, Teachers and Parents
I am writing this during a chess tournament for kids and I just talked to a mother, which triggered this post.
When her son made a mistake which resulted in loss of his queen and as a result loss of the game she said:
“I better don’t talk to him. I’d only scold him for his mistakes.”
My immediate answer was:
“Of course you should talk to your son! You should praise him for the way he played.”
This resulted in a blank stare.
Is this really so difficult to understand? When somebody makes a mistake, most of the time, they know very well they made a mistake. The chess playing kid knows he lost. He knows losing the queen wasn’t a smart idea. Often kids know this so well that they start crying. Trust me on this: There is no need to tell them what they did wrong. They’ll focus their thoughts on the things they did wrong. And this doesn’t help.
Instead tell them what the did well. A kid playing a game of chess most certainly made a couple of good moves. Your task is to find these moves. Or maybe he remembered to press the clock most of the time after his move. Or he used the available time well to think carefully. Or he remembered to shake hands and setup the board again after the game.
Praise him for that.
It will move the focus to the things he did well. It will turn his focus in something positive. It will motivate him to continue playing and learning. And sooner or later he will start taking care of his queen as well.
And the same applies when you are coaching grown ups. A software developer who introduced a bug knows he made a mistake. And he doesn’t enjoys it. Especially when it was a very damaging bug. chastening him doesn’t help. Instead find the thing he does well. Does a different module of him work well? Did he fix the bug quickly? Does he help his coworkers? Is he especially knowledgeable about a certain area? Did he improve some skills in the past months? Praise him for that.
You might think “But I can’t praise the people that make mistakes! That’s unfair”. You are wrong. You can. You should. You MUST. But of course you should praise the ones doing good work as well. The difference is: Praising the good is much easier and requires much less skill on your side. So if you have problems with praising, you might start with the good ones today.
I always try to act like this in my teaching (programming assignments in numerical calculus), but some times it can be hard, or really hard, as there is nothing salvageable from the work done: basic mistakes like comparing doubles to 0 for smallness, forgetting absolute values in such cases and these kind of things, in a class where these kind of errors are well away of it.
In some cases is just a slip, and the student has made a nice work in some other places, or has worked out something by hand, or anything… But there is always someone who just does not work, does nothing and expects ideas to float into his mind by miracle. These are the moments when finding something to praise can take a toll on your mental sanity.
By the way, I don’t know why but the comment box is wider than the text zone in the article, and part of what I am writing gets hidden below the sidebar, where the archives live.
Ruben Berenguel
You are so true on this. Unfortunately often you even won’t get praised when you ve done good work. This has to be changed. This blog post is a step in right direction.
It depends on the personality the parent or manager have. If the kid or the sofware developer know that the praise is not what the other one really thinks than you better not to talk. In fact this is not so much of the problem what to say as what to think. Of course, it is not a tragedy if a kid or a programmer make a mistake and sympathetic words are appreciated. However those words must make sense. You cannot talk to a grownup programmer in such a patronizing manner as you propose.
A useful technique from Toastmasters: the sandwidth.
1. Positive, aligning comment
2. Specific advice or correction
3. Positive, aligning comment
It works in all sorts of situations.
[...] Schauderhaft » Possibly the Most Important Skill for Managers, Coaches, Teachers and Parents [...]
If the intellectual and emotional maturity of the grown-ups you’re working with is at the same level as those chess tournament kids, then there might be some basis for your suggestion that we treat them like kids.
In itself, the fact that a software developer introduced a bug isn’t interesting.
It becomes interesting
- if the bug wasn’t caught (what’s wrong with the process?)
- if the developer introduces more bugs than the other developers (is she/he following the process?)
Of the 5 things you list as “find the thing he does well” only one of them has anything to do with the “very damaging bug” so the obvious lesson is that you simply don’t care about the “very damaging bug”.
How Not to Talk to Your Kids
[...] Possibly the Most Important Skill for Managers, Coaches, Teachers and Parents – “Instead tell them what the did well. A kid playing a game of chess most certainly made a couple of good moves. Your task is to find these moves. Or maybe he remembered to press the clock most of the time after his move. Or he used the available time well to think carefully. Or he remembered to shake hands and setup the board again after the game…” [...]
Sometimes just offering to help can get you in big trouble.
I go on trial August 2nd in Haworth New Jersey. I have been charged with “Offering Chess Lesson’s to Children without a Permit. Solicitation of Business/Attempt to Take or Gain Favor by Schmooze”.
I mention it here at the 3:50 mark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl7H0HXeMLM
I have taught over 100 Children completely free of charge since 2008.
To put me on trial for offering kind encouraging words is shameful.
George Grasser
Parent and programmer here. We’re talking kids here, right? As other commenters said, when a bug results in damage, the problem is not the programmer but the process. That said, we all need some recognition for our efforts from time to time. We all have an “inner child”.
Back to kids. Yes, kids know they failed. But if the only thing you do is praise them they’ll loose all motivation to do better.
You should not punish them for mistakes nor should you praise them for trivial things they did well. Instead, focus on helping them to learn from the mistake.
These two Fundamental Facts of Life are valid for both individuals and organizations:
1. Mistakes are learning opportunities
2. Everybody makes mistakes.
[...] Schauderhaft » Possibly the Most Important Skill for Managers, Coaches, Teachers and Parents totally agree. But let's do away with the "participation trophy" [...]
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Charles Schwab