Most of the customers I work with are huge companies. When trying to get an application accepted in such an environment some are a real no brainer. Like Websphere Application Server. While others like Jira are really hard to get some resources for. I couldn't help wondering, what the reasons are for this. Let's face it, from the simple examples above it is obviously not related to anything known as quality.

Through careful reengineering I discovered a list of essential features an application must have and compiled it as backlog items ready to use for your product backlog.

As a procurement manager I want the application to be expensive, in order to live of the bonus I guess when I negotiate a 1% reduction in price.

Acceptance criteria:


As a procurement manager I want the application to scale only by upgraded to an enterprise super deluxe edition, so my daughter can have a horse for Christmas.

Acceptance criteria:


As an administrator I want the application to have only minimal documentation if at all, so I can claim to be an expert after reading all of it in an hour and charge a higher salary.

Acceptance criteria:


As an administrator I want the application to be void of any user community, so nobody can provide easy free solutions to problems I claimed to be really hard.

Acceptance criteria:


As an administrator I want the application to rely heavily on as many other products as possible, so the beneficial effects of the application on my workday are multiplied.

Acceptance criteria:


As a person responsible for deploying clients I want the application only to run on IE6 or earlier so the people stop asking me for upgrades to Windows 7 or god behold these Apple thingies.

Acceptance criteria:


As the manager responsible for deployment of the system I want the system to be still in development, so I never have to install anything.

Acceptance criteria:


As a consultant recommending the application I want the application to be really hard to install and equally hard to keep alive, so my contract stays safe for the next years to come.

Acceptance criteria:


As a network administrator I want the application to really hog the network, so I can get a larger budget for new shiny hardware.

Acceptance criteria:


As a user I want the application to be really slow so I can't blame the application for not getting anything done

Acceptance criteria:


As a user I want the application to start up really slow so I can get some coffee and drink it too in the meantime.

Acceptance criteria:


As a CIO I want the application to use single sign on so I can claim we are doing it without bothering with what it actually means.

Acceptance criteria:


As a person responsible for the security of the system I want the application to have cryptography because it is soooo coool.

Acceptance criteria: